FT2LIV

For some reason I have been procrastinating sitting down and writing. I have been thinking a lot about what I will share and put down on paper, but I just haven't been able to do it. This time between the last chemo and now has been so bittersweet. I am very happy that chemo is over and to leave behind most of the effects. To think that I will only continue to gain strength and clarity is overwhelming; for this I am incredibly grateful. But...I am also scared. Here's the deal, because I am triple negative, I can't take any of the hormones to keep the cancer away. In fact, there is nothing I can take, I have to really walk in my faith and trust God. Sure, I will modify my diet, exercise more, stress less, and follow any road that may guarantee that I will be a survivor for many, many more years. But I feel empty, alone, and scared. Perhaps, this is why I have prolonged the writing; I wasn't ready to admit that. Today, in less than two hours, I will have my medi -port rem...

Well, day two has passed and I am almost done with day three....of the 21 day recovery process from treatment. Yesterday was pretty good, with the only side effects of a longer than usual nap :) and hot flashes. Those are really fun...I think I changed pajamas three times in the night and woke up feeling like I had been jogging through the desert in the middle of summer. I also woke up with the sunburn to go with it. My entire body looked as if I had been sitting in the desert with no sunscreen for hours... LOL . Luckily I did not feel like I had a sunburn, only looked it. Thank goodness it wears off when I get up and move around, it must be something with laying down..who knows. If my memory serves me right, this will last a few days. Today was OK, in the morning I felt ok , just a bit tired, but I was able to get to church and grab the much needed Sunday Starbucks. The side effect of losing my sweet tooth is setting in - this is very odd for me, because I LOVE sweets and during this ...

Today, November 12 2010, marks the beginning of the end of Chemotherapy!!! I promised myself that I would blog/journal each day of this last round, so as not to forget all of the good and bad times that come along with this treatment. This week I felt great! I had little fatigue, no nausea, no side effects, I was pretty much back to normal. I tried to fill each day with a bit of normalcy and as much fun as possible. It started on Monday with an incredible hike in great falls with my dear friend Deb. We brought the dogs, the views were gorgeous and we encountered a hidden forest of bluebirds and woodpeckers - this is a day that will fuel me when I am feeling bad next week...I will be able to look back and know that I will soon be back on my feet experiencing life - it is EXACTLY what I needed..time with part of my soul (Deb) and a hike to feed my soul. I also got out a little more for work and had a face to face meeting which felt great! I am so ready to be back out there, doing my thin...

I decided long before I had kids, that I would always be very open, honest, and candid with them. Taking a no holds barred approached has fared well, I think. My kids are very bold, outgoing, and are not afraid to speak their minds. Yes, this had it's downsides, but raising quiet, "yes" people is just not me. With that said, I also have a pretty open house. The kids are free to go through whatever drawer, closet, bag they want to, I have nothing to hide (that they can find). Well, that was before I realized I now have Grandma's Scary closet. You know what I mean...do you remember the first time you "discovered" grandma's dentures...or her weird pointy bra's in her closet?GROSS!!! Those kinds of discoveries make Friday the 13 th look like Nick Jr. Seriously. They scar you for life. Since I am now a Breast Cancer lady...I have some pretty weird stuff... Stryo heads with wigs...scarfs galore...and yes, prosthetic boobs. I know, TMI ...but this is wha...

How is it possible to sleep for 36 hours? I never quite understood the fatigue and chemo- therapy , let me tell you, it is not a choice. Your body just takes over and whether you like it or not, want to or not, you are down. You just sleep. Last week, before the last treatment, I asked the Dr. what I could do to fight the fatigue. I really can't stand being "down" for so long - life is whirling by and I am sleeping!!! He chuckled and said, I could try exercise but I would be lucky if I could get a 10 minute walk in on the tough days. This is just what is does to you. I am not complaining...I am grateful for the medicine that takes aways many of the side effects and eases others. I suppose sleep is what the body needs to come back from being stripped down. I decided that for my next and LAST (YEAH!!!) round of chemo, I am going to try to blog each day...what it feels like. You don't have to read it... lol . While I will be ready to move on and celebrate life, I don...

To start, I am not even sure what to title this post; I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling...I guess that is why I wanted to blog. Let's begin with the hair loss...which I was OK with, sort of, up until life presented itself. The thing about losing your hair is that suddenly you are out there. No longer can I hide behind my fake boobs and smile, now it is out there for everyone to see...the woman with no hair; which means she is one of them..one of those cancer people. In the beginning, I handled this with as much bravery as I could, even going out bald, and OK with it. Then two things happened. First, I am faced with some work activity which requires me to be out there in a meeting and on camera...and being bald or in a scarf I just can't do. The second, is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Work...well, I can deal with it, I even threw myself into it. However, I had to go get one of those things...a WIG... arg to prepare for the meetings. I hate the one that ...

What a nice day we had at Pumpkin ville in Leesburg. I figured that even with low immunity, I would be relatively safe hanging outside with the fam at the Pumpkin Patch. So, after everyone returned from Church (I stayed home for that part) - Nana, Sophia, Dottie, and I took off for the Pumpkin Patch. Festivals are not really Jillian's favorite past time, so she chose to hand out with Dad and Pop for some Football and handyman work. :) We sure missed her though! Here is a fun little Smile box we made about our day. The weather was perfect, the apple cider was tasty, and the zip lines were fast! Yeah! Another scrapbook design by Smilebox

Just a quick note....I succumbed to the hair falling out and went to the barber and had it shaved last Wednesday. Take note that we live in a new neighborhood (since June) and while some have been friendly, you know...we are still the newbies. So out I go in my pink scarf to walk the dog, and you would have thought I was a celebrity...people waving, smiling, saying hi. It was pretty funny. I guess scarves bring out the kindness of strangers, works for me. However, this is another life lesson...why wait for the scarf to wave? Just do it. When I walk, I will make sure to smile, wave, and say hi. Although, you know I pretty much did this all along. Good Night. ;)

Yep, here it is, another blog with probably TMI . Yes, I have a journal, but I like typing and sharing. Some part of me feels that the more I share, the more people can understand. I know, there are lots of us out there in this club. Many of which who write, blog, speak - I never understood it, until I joined the club. I always thought that the Breast Cancer club was big and that perhaps other cancer clubs paled in it's light. I often wondered if it was fair, if the whole pink ribbon phenomena was too cliche. Yep, I said it. Well, now I get it. You know what, it IS big..it should be. 1 in 8 women will have to face this. Seriously. How many women out there today are fearfully feeling that lump they discovered and wondering what to do next...scared of the possibilities? Wondering how to tell their children, mothers, friends, co-workers, husbands..dogs? It is big, and it needs to be. This is crap and we have to make it better, somehow. So..today I am on not to rant about the pink ribb...

To celebrate our 14th anniversary, John and I took a nice little bike ride this weekend. I was determined not to let the fact that I have Bob sticking out of my chest (that is my name for this MediPort...)and yes, he was hurting, just a bit. It was a gorgeous day, sunny, about 80...a perfect day for a ride. We have good rhythm on rides together, and there is not a need to chat, we are just riding, in good harmony and silence. I love riding, but am often perplexed at people. It really bothers me that people don't wear helmets, it just seems stupid. Why would you put yourself on a bike, ride 15, 20, 25 miles an hour on concrete...and not protect your noggin? Furthermore...why in the world would you make your kid wear one but not wear one yourself? What lesson are you teaching a kid...it really bothers me and makes me agitated. So....while I was on a particularly beautiful stretch on the WO&D...my HP (higher power) decided to whisper in my ear to get off my high horse and enjoy th...

Today I am struggling to see the forest through the trees? In a matter of 2 hours, I now have the dates for my next surgery (metaport installation), my chemo class, and my first round of chemo. You would think I would be prepared and ready, since it is after all through a series of appointments and phone calls that I went to and made that brings us to these dates. However, I feel like I just ran into a brick wall with my bike. Suddenly, this is all real, again. I also hate to ask for help, thankfully, we are blessed with many who haven't seem to tire of our needs thus far. Next Wednesday I will get my port installed and on 9/10/10 I will begin my 12 week journey of squeezing the life out of my cells so that cancer doesn't stand a chance. It is funny, because it is time to get back to reality. The kids start school, at their new schools on 9/7 which is also the day I get back to work, at least part time. So, while we start our lives anew, in our new home with new schools, friend...

Many of you know what I am about to share already, so this will be a repeat, proceed at your own risk of boredom. For the past 37 years I have worked on building my life as a mother, employee, wife, daughter, friend, slave to my dog, and more. On June 2, my world was turned upside down as I received the news that my breast biopsy was positive for cancerous cells. Back-up about three weeks and you will find me at the OB for my routine yearly exam, he handed me a prescription for a Mammogram, and told me that if I felt like it, I could go, now that I am 36...I thanked him and went on my way. About a week later, I found a lump and decided to cash in that Mammogram ticket. I was informed that because I found a lump, I would need a new order for a Digital Mammogram with diagnostics. So, back to the doc I went. Upon examining the lump, he informed me that he felt it was a Fibroadenoma and I had nothing to worry about, but I should check it out anyway. The rest is history and quite a blur....

Most of you know, my Dad..aka. Pop is the the #1 Grand Dad and is always showing the kids to more fun side of life. More often than not, there are "adventures" to be had when the girls get together with Pop, it could be a relaxing game of Nancy Drew, a science experiment with Mentos and 2 Liter of soda, or maybe an adventure in the attic complete with maps and mysterious shops. Last night Sophia, Pop, Jillian, and I took a walk down to the "creek" near my parents house to search for fish and rocks. The girls had a great time hunting for fish and Jillian found a spectacular rock. On the way home, Sophia and I started talking about Darth Vader and much to my surprise she knows pretty much the entire storyline. **Warning: Spoiler** She proceeds to give me all the detail (for at least 15 minutes) around how Anakin is Darth Vader...but he really is Luke's dad!! Well, she must have been shocked by my surprise or just sheer stupidity, so she proceeds to tell me that I ...