Where's Waldo?

To start, I am not even sure what to title this post; I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling...I guess that is why I wanted to blog.

Let's begin with the hair loss...which I was OK with, sort of, up until life presented itself. The thing about losing your hair is that suddenly you are out there. No longer can I hide behind my fake boobs and smile, now it is out there for everyone to see...the woman with no hair; which means she is one of them..one of those cancer people. In the beginning, I handled this with as much bravery as I could, even going out bald, and OK with it. Then two things happened. First, I am faced with some work activity which requires me to be out there in a meeting and on camera...and being bald or in a scarf I just can't do. The second, is Breast Cancer Awareness month.

Work...well, I can deal with it, I even threw myself into it. However, I had to go get one of those things...a WIG...arg to prepare for the meetings. I hate the one that came, just hate it...I tried getting it cut, and I still hate it. I tried wearing it to the grocery store, and I practically ran when I saw someone I knew, before she saw me...confirmation that I hate this thing. So, now I have a $600+ hair piece that I can't return, because I cut it, and I hate it. So, i just ordered two more, less expensive options, and hope when they come tomorrow...I will be happy enough with them to wear them to the meetings this week. Otherwise, I am not sure what I will do, other than get stressed out and be miserable until this week is over.

Let's talk about Breast Cancer Awareness month, which I love and I am breaking the budget on some of the cool merchandise. BUT...being in the midst of my treatment, I kind of feel like "Where's Waldo". Not with my friends, family, etc...but with strangers. When I am out, they just seem to look at me with a different look this month, like they spotted the Waldo in the book. I am in the club, wearing it on my head for everyone to see, and it is awareness month. I know, I know...this is vain, silly, and selfish. But, I just feel so exposed and naked out there. Maybe, just maybe one of these stupid wigs will work and I can go to the grocery store and be just another woman shopping, for now, I am Waldo. I wonder what God lesson this is for me? More "get over yourself" messaging??? Maybe.

Debbie Downer reporting from Leesburg, VA - hopefully the forecast tomorrow will be sunnier.

Comments

Unknown said…
Hang in there honey! You are ALLOWED to have bad days. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October which I think is the WORST time as all. The pink ribbons & awareness events become overwhelming and hard to deal with in the midst of all of your treatments (and feeling horrible to top things off). Be strong, you will get through this but take it one day at a time. Again, you are very brave to share your story with others Amanda. Take care of yourself.
October 18, 2010 at 10:02 AM
Trish Daniels said…
God is saying that you have the opportunity to wallow in self pity (which is what most of us would do) or get out there and share your story and be in inspiration. You have clearly chosen the 2nd option.
October 18, 2010 at 11:13 AM
Lobotommy said…
I am glad you hate the wig. It actually looks very cute on you, but like you said, I couldn't imagine you in it while around anyone who knows you. I felt like, no matter how natural the wig itself felt or looked, the fact that it was so, well, brilliant makes it seem larger than life. I think it will come in handy another time, for some fun occasion, when wearing it is just because, without any meaning, rather than there being a particular special reason for it. I look forward to seeing your new ones, and I hope you feel happy about them.
October 18, 2010 at 6:55 PM
Carl Unbehaun said…
I don't know what to say other than I love you. :)
October 19, 2010 at 4:16 AM
Regina Francis said…
I missed you at the church Sunday evening, as I was rushing by to get the kids dropped off and zip back to the house to get dinner for my father-in-law. That made me sad because I saw you standing at the classroom door as I zipped by; I think you had a scarf on at that moment and I remember thinking, "I bet she looks beautiful/adorable." And I hadn't seen you lately, so I wanted to give you a hug. But it is so easy for all of us to say, I imagine. I cannot imagine what you are feeling, but know also that you are entitled (of course). You are braver than you know that you would even consider doing work meetings in the midst of all of this with the way you are feeling and the circumstances you are under. I think that speaks to your level of commitment as a person for those things that you feel are your responsibility - even when you are going through cancer treatment! AMAZING! You are so very strong, even if you don't feel that way. Allow yourself to have weak moments. My thoughts are with you so very often, and my prayers even more. Look forward to next Monday (or whenever your meetings are done) and know that you will be able to look back on it and say, "I made it. And I survived!" It's a moment in time and these are moments you are experiencing that continue to make you who you are - a person we are all inspired by. I know you'll be strong and you'll push through, so I won't say it. But I'd like to remind you of what you said to me when you first cut your hair short, "...well, I have to take control somehow." So take control and make it Amanda's way. Amanda's unique way all your own. I get the impression that you draw a lot of strength right from within yourself when you decide to take hold of something instead of letting it take hold of you. Love and hugs!
October 19, 2010 at 5:05 AM
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