Recovery and Restoration

For some reason I have been procrastinating sitting down and writing. I have been thinking a lot about what I will share and put down on paper, but I just haven't been able to do it. This time between the last chemo and now has been so bittersweet. I am very happy that chemo is over and to leave behind most of the effects. To think that I will only continue to gain strength and clarity is overwhelming; for this I am incredibly grateful. But...I am also scared. Here's the deal, because I am triple negative, I can't take any of the hormones to keep the cancer away. In fact, there is nothing I can take, I have to really walk in my faith and trust God. Sure, I will modify my diet, exercise more, stress less, and follow any road that may guarantee that I will be a survivor for many, many more years. But I feel empty, alone, and scared. Perhaps, this is why I have prolonged the writing; I wasn't ready to admit that.

Today, in less than two hours, I will have my medi-port removed truly marking the end of chemo-therapy. Nope, I am not really excited, but I am grateful. I am grateful for the medicine that makes this all easier and for all those who had to suffer before me so that my journey could be as pain free as possible. I only hope that my journey in some way has taught a lesson along the way that makes it easier on someone else. For one, I hope that plastic surgeon learned something (grin) and I know that the Oncologists have learned a little - I imagine that with each patient comes a little more knowledge.

To mark the port removal, I wanted to take a picture of it...lest I forget what "BOB" (my name for it) the port looked like - it has been a lifesaver. The port basically is a direct line in so that the Chemo does not have to be administered through IV, which could not only be painful but could cause permanent damage to the veins and skin on the arm due to the toxicity of the chemo drugs. I love my port - but I am glad Bob is coming on out. When I was taking the picture, I decided to look at the pictures of me just before I started with surgery....the change is dramatic..and is...well...sad. I have put "before" and "now" pictures below...don't be sad for me, because today I know that I am healthy and from here on out, I only have healing, rebuilding, and living to do. That is one thing about life, it keeps going, and if you live one day at a time, as I do, then the change feels as it should...gradual. I do not feel like a bald headed, port installed, double mastectomy woman who just fought breast cancer and will fight to keep it away...I feel like a friend, a mother, a wife, a daughter who loves her life and will strive to live every day to it's fullest...even the bad ones.